Busy week..happening

12th October 2006,

6.11pm Thursday. Hmm, uhhmmm..aha, yeap I'm still in hospital. Wait for Jon, Jason and Daniel to come to visit Benji's mum. Yeap, a while didn't write in blog, a lot things happened, very busy after e-THIS Live, a lot of problems, very rigid, a lot of features can't able to ascess. Staff has been very tired working OT for the pass 2 weeks time. Heard a lot of complaints as well, indeed very busy. Has been helping in dispensing during lunch time, GMC really bz, never ending patient-load.

Basically nothing much to update. Work- busy busy. 2 major renovations still pending- CDR Class 10,000 Cleanroom. Yup, we are gonna have new cleanroom for Cytotoxic Drug reconstitution, hopefully by Feb next year. Has been liase with the contractor on the specification for cleanroom. Our hospital has own constructor/vendor which is not experience in building cleanroom. I'm pretty worried that they will not able to fulfill the required spec. Expressed my concerns to Mr. Koh, feel inadequate in dealing in such big project and decision. Prayfully things gonna work out well- and this gonna be my real baby. 2nd construction is my Pharmacy front counter. Gleneagles is one of the few hospitals with high class layout, and the surrondings as if it's a Hotel rather than a hospital. And the bills count too. We gonna have open-counter concept, to have a closer contact with patient, less barriers during dispensing and counselling. The interior designer has passed me the plan, gonna be very nice, with multiple colour-fabric as backdrop. I have high expectation, hopefully this gonna work.

Family- hmm...nothing much too, sis will be coming back this 18th and probably I will take time off and leave to follow her to Alor Setar, very rush, very tired, hoping for the best. Oh ya, I have visitors at home. 2 Vietnamese couple: Dzung and Ming Ha staying with me for 1 1/2 months. They're very nice couple- a missionary that travel around, ministering to Vietnamese outreach.

Church- I didn't involve much. Only CG, church, usher. Abundance CG has taken the ownership to pray and follow up a Young Christian who met with accident pass weeks ago. He's only 23, and admitted in GMC for a while. Cheah Hup Yee, that's his name. We have been visiting him and praying for him for speedy recovering, and this Fri he's going for another operation. The Dr. said gonna amputate his 2nd and 3rd toes, due to necrosis. We're praying, that God will restore his toes. Benji's mum admitted to GMC 2 days ago, and praise God, she's getting better- out from ICU, and doctor has rule out the possibility of CHF or ARF, and has confirmed all the symptoms of difficulties of breathing, and oedema is due to Hypothyroidism (Myxedema). And according to Dr. Srinivas, that is easily treated with hormone replacement. Praise God..

e-THIS On-LIVE

3th October 2006,

5.57pm Tuesday. Today is 3rd Day of LIVE. 1st Day is on Sunday, a bit hazy. 2nd Day-Monday: piled up with a lot prescriptions, long waiting time. But today 3rd day things getting better- able to anticipate the problems and had solve main issues. Now there're 4 staff working. Before Live is only 2 staff, now increase the manpower till the familarization of system. Praise God, things is well. We spent 1.5 million for the entire e-Total Health Information System (e-THIS). Previously is on a unix system, now a web based. It's pretty difficult for users like us to entering data. The system is good, but very much rigid- on Oracle, not much flexibility, a lot of controls. But I think it's just the matter of time, for us to get use to it. I've put my best effort for the Master Database, with the changing of coding and restructuring the entire Drug Formulary, putting things in orderly manner, hopefully it will last for long. Yes, I am anticipating better advancement ahead- for the system..giving my best.

Hmmm..what other updates? Nothing much,..yeah, I'm playing again. Practising my guitar again. Can feel my left hand-fingertips alredy harden. It's painful, but a refreshing time to sing unto the Lord a new song. I played in Jon's CG last 2 weeks- but doesn't sound good. I got to learn more new chords. Jon emailed me this morning- follow upping my progress I guess- whether hv I decide to settle down in Abundance CG. I've been joining the Cell most of the weeks..probably 60% will settle down. But deep in my heart I still afraid to give any answer, probably with the fear of serving with obligation again. I don't want to go back to the same motion I'm in past time. I need more time. There's only ONE thing I wanna do now- to get back track with God, to grow in His Word, have a consistent Communion with Him, and building up the Inner-tances, not by my own strength, but His strength that enable me. Falling in Love with Him again....that's all I desire now...

Forgive and Forget

Compiled and filed by Gavin Chin, Wesley Methodist Church, Ipoh

1) God is All-Knowing. He cannot impose self-amnesia on Himself.
The Myth of Forgetting the Harm (Dan Allender, professor of biblical counseling at Colorado ChristianUniversity, and a psychologist with the Institute of BiblicalCounseling in Denver)

A central misunderstanding that fuels many other myths about forgiveness is the notion that we are to "forgive and forget." The concept comes from two major passages: Ps. 25:7 and Jer. 31:34. The psalmist asks God not to remember the sins of his youth but instead to recall His mercy and love. In the Jeremiah passage God says: "I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."Christians are told to be like God, who does not remember sin but forgives wickedness.

This would be a good principle to follow were it not for one fact: Goddoes remember sin. We are told that one day we will all appear before God and receive our rewards based on "the things done while in the body, whether good or bad" (2 Cor. 5:10). God remembers sin and righteousness, and He uses the data to determine our due.

When the writers of Scripture say God has taken away our sins "as far as the east is from the west" (Ps. 103:12) and will "hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea" (Mic. 7:19), they are using metaphors, not making statements of fact about God's loss of memory. A metaphor is like an impressionistic painting. It is overstated and dramatic; full of life, but not intended to be taken as a precise, literal representation of the scene painted. Imagine how absurd it would be if someone wanted to discover the actual place where the eastis divided from the west. In the same way, it is absurd to take the metaphor of God's forgetfulness and make it into a tangible requirement of forgiveness.

Let me state a working definition of forgiveness. To forgive another means to cancel a debt in order to provide (1) opportunity for repentance and (2) restoration of the broken relationship.

2) The true definition of Forgiveness (although this article was written by Neil in the context of marriage, it is applicable to allrelationships)

Why Forgive?
(Neil T. Anderson, Ph.D., author, founder and president emeritus of Freedom in Christ Ministries)

I was their last resort. Kurt and Mary (not their real names) called me in the middle of an argument.

"Dr. Anderson, you have to come and help us," Mary said angrily. After talking with her briefly, I was afraid if I didn't show up, their argument would result in domestic violence!

I'm making a house call police officers don't even like to make! I thought as I got into my car.

I played referee for a couple hours until they'd worn themselves out.This Christian couple had made enemies of each other. And forgivenesswas the furthest thing from what they wanted to discuss.

"I've listened to your arguments and frustrations," I started. "Here's the overriding reality. Before God we're responsible for our own character and the needs of the other person. You two have been ripping each other's character while looking out for your own needs. You'restruggling in your marriage because you're struggling in your spiritual life."

They were stunned. They hadn't connected their marital troubles with how they were doing in their individual relationships with God. Butthe Bible is clear: "If someone says, 'I love God,' but hates aChristian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don'tlove people we can see, how can we love God, whom we have not seen?"(1 John 4:20, NLT).

What makes a Christian marriage work is to forgive from our hearts, just as Jesus forgave us. He did so by taking our sins upon himself. For us, forgiving others means we're willing to live with the consequences of our spouse's sins.

But why forgive?
1. To help us mature in our faith. God's intention in marriage is that we hang in there and grow up. In Colossians Paul writes: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (3:13).

It's in the context of committed relationships where we either learn to be kind, patient, and loving, or we blow apart. Loving each other inevitably means that we forgive each other—and keep on forgiving as Jesus instructed in Matthew 18:21-22. When Peter asked Jesus how manytimes we should forgive someone, "Up to seven times?" Jesus answered,"I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Yes, you may be tempted to keep a written log of how many times you'veforgiven your spouse! But Jesus was really saying we need to forgiveas many times as we are offended. It may seem unfair, especially when we feel as though we're the ones always doing the forgiving. Yet, forgiveness calls us to grow in character, which is ultimately most pleasing to God.

2. To keep bitterness away. In the close confinement of our homes, we'll say or do things that are offensive to our mate. Even the best of us will feel hurt, put down, or rejected. But if we let a root of bitterness spring up, the writer of Hebrews says that it will "defilemany" (12:15). Our unforgiveness grows to bitterness and affects everyone. It erupts in anger and brings disease, stress, pain.Bitterness is like swallowing a bottle of poison hoping the other person will die.

Excuses, excuses
So many times we know we should forgive, we understand what God says about the importance of forgiveness, but still we fight it. Here aresome excuses I hear from couples.

It's not fair. Of course it isn't, but we all live with the consequences of another person's sin. For instance, we're stuck with the consequence of Adam's and Eve's sin. And on the marriage front, since it's God's will that we remain married, the only real choice wehave is whether we want to live out those consequences of our spouse's sin in the bondage of bitterness or the freedom of forgiveness.

But you don't know how bad he (or she) hurt me! That's not the issue. Your spouse may still hurt you. But forgiveness is how you stop the pain.

I have to heal first—then I'll be able to forgive. Research shows over and over that forgiveness brings healing, not the other way around.

But I want revenge! The writer of Hebrews reminds us, "For we know himwho said, 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay'" (10:30). We have totrust that God will even the score and make things right.

Why should I let him (or her) off the hook? If you don't forgive,you're still hooked to that offense. You'll gain freedom from the past if you let your spouse off your hook. But remember, your spouse isn't off God's hook.

Where's the justice? It's in the cross. Jesus died for your sins, and my sins, and his sins, and her sins.

Sloppy forgiveness
Forgiveness doesn't mean we offer cheap grace, though. Here are two statements I often hear that offer faux forgiveness.

I'll just try to forget about it, because God forgot my sins. True,God remembers our sin no more. But we can't just will ourselves to forget. I like to think we remember because we can learn from it. The most important part of "forgetting" our spouse's sin is that we don't take the past and use it against our spouse—just as God doesn't use our sins against us (which means He remembers, but doesn't use our sins against us - Gavin). The one who keeps bringing up past offenses hasn't forgiven.

I'll keep forgiving even though he never changes, since that's what Jesus calls me to do. Yes, Jesus asks us to forgive over and over, but he never asks us to put up with wrong behavior. When Jesus forgave, hetold the person, "Go and sin no more." Part of offering grace is to set clear-cut boundaries that protect us from further abuse. Forgiving from our heart isn't being a punching bag. Although the Lord forgives, he doesn't tolerate sin, and neither should we.

True forgiveness
The closer we connect to God and understand the forgiveness he's given us, the more able we are to forgive our spouse. If we struggle withf orgiveness, we can pray something such as: "Lord, I forgive my husband for (list every offense that God brings to mind), because it made me feel (rejected, unwanted, judged, small). Heal my damaged emotions and bless my husband."

Remember, you're the only one who can keep yourself from being the person and spouse God created you to be. We don't just forgive the other person for his sake; we forgive for our own emotional, physical, and spiritual health. If you'll assume responsibility to grow inChrist, and forgive those around you, the family can be the kind ofenvironment where everybody wins.


3) Steps to Forgiveness
How to forgive
(Adapted from Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. Revised edition (c) 2003 by Everett L. Worthington Jr. Used by permission of Inter Varsity Press)

Okay, we all know we should forgive—after all, that's what Christ commands us to do. But how exactly do we forgive?

1. Acknowledge the hurt. The first step is to allow yourself to say, Iwas hurt/offended when the person did/said this. Sometimes we deny the pain. We think, That hurt didn't matter. Instead of suppressing our feelings, we must come to grips with them. Instead of turning from the pain and anger, we must face them.

2. Gently confront. When a transgression occurs, ask for an explanation. Rather than saying, "You barbarian! You have the sensitivity of gravel. How could you do such a horrid thing to me? Don't you love me?" ask, "When you insulted me, I was surprised. You're usually very sensitive. Can you tell me what was going on?" This is more respectful and will usually keep the door open for genuine dialogue.

3. Pray. Sometimes recalling a hurt or offense can throw us into a tail spin. So here's what to pray for and about:
- to protect your mind, to focus on the forgiveness aspect rather than the negative thoughts
- for the Holy Spirit to be your comforter
- for a gift of empathy

It's difficult to empathize with someone who has hurt us. But we can ask God to work actively within us to help us see things from theother person's point of view, to help us understand why our he or she did or said the things that hurt or bothered us—even if that's against our natural desires.

4. Strive for humility. When we're wronged, it's easy to feel morally superior. To forgive, though, I need to see myself as not so different from my offender. By recognizing that there have been plenty of times when I've hurt someone else, sometimes intentionally, I can see, in humility, our similarities. Then I think of the times I've received forgiveness. How many times has God forgiven me? How many times have other people forgiven me?

5. Start with the easiest offenses. If one hurt is too difficult to forgive, try forgiving an easier one. Put the hard one aside until later. Try again tomorrow. If you want to forgive but can't, keep practicing. It may take time, but forgiving happens.

6. Choose to reconcile. Forgiveness can help promote reconciliation,because it softens attitudes. Reconciliation is all about deciding to talk, talking gently in love, empathizing, repairing any hurt feelings (sooner rather than later), and building a sense of loving devotion that both people feel.

7. Anticipate that the wounds will still hurt. When people have worked through the past to reach forgiveness, they often think (irrationally) that they'll never remember the hurt again. If they do recall the hurtand re-experience pain, they think that their forgiveness was a fraud. Not so. A remembered hurt does not equal unforgiveness.

8. Hold on to forgiveness. Don't dwell on negative emotions when you recall the incident. Remind yourself that you've forgiven the person.We can exert self-control to reach forgiveness. Self-control is partof the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:23), so we don't need to exert it by gut-it-out effort. We can anticipate that God wants to produce self-control in us, so he'll be motivated to help us.

Crying Baby....

25th September 2006,

5.00pm Monday. As usual finishing blog before go back- lock the door in case any disturbance from outside. Fri CG was good, worship lead a bit stuck, coz most of the people not sure about the songs that I lead..sharing was good- an overview of the weeks' material on "My Father, my God"- 1st- My God as myFather, 2nd- My Father who is good, 3rd- The Father who forgives, 4th- The Father has choosen me, 5th- The Father, the Gardener, 6th- The Father who discipline, 7th- The Father who hugs. A week of prayer and fasting, and study on the topics of 'The Father'. Very relevant, and this week will be "Fathering Pastor Conference". There are more than a hundreds of Pastors from all over the corners in Malaysia will be coming- mainly from the interior places- most ministered to the Orang Asli. This is our 2nd time organising the conference- with the hope to bless the pastors, those that has sacrifice their lives for God's people. God has provide more than enough for the conference- we will be subsidising the accomodation, transport and everything- to bless the pastors.

Saturday has been a full day for me. 1st Oct will be e-THIS Live, and we are trying our best to solve whatever teething problems- bugs to prepare for system implementation. 23rd Sept is also my daddy's 3 years in heaven. I miss him so so much. Went for dinner with Benji and Roland at e-Gate (Subway). After all done, Benji fetch me back home, and in the car we discuss few things- and one of it touched about forgiveness. He mentioned that "To forgive" is "To forget". To wipe up all, and renewing one relationship as how God has forgiven us. I agree with him in certain way, but not about forgetting. When somethings happen- in your heart you may forgive a person, but it doesn't really mean that you forget all. Things had happened, and nothing can change that. Unless I'm a computer that every single memories wipe out from my hardisk, or else it's still there. I argue on that- but he is not very happy. My meaning of forgiveness- is to really forgive from my heart- yet things are different in a way that I might not able to treat the other person as it is. Sometimes, as the season goes- things happen, things change, and I am accepting the changes. Yet, forgiveness is not of dwelling on one's weaknesses and stop you from going forward.

After the discussion in the car, my heart was so painful and aching. I went to the swimming pool and cried for 2 hours. Am I that sensitive? Why I cried? It's not of what Benji said or whether he offended me, no it's not. I just so sad- seeing my own spiritual life, how I've been struggling and about to climb up- and yet, it's just so difficult. I just couldn't accept that my heart don't forgive others...and I'm back to square one. Have I forgiven others? Checking my heart- again and again, deep search deep. I confess it all, if there's any person that I still hold the biterness, I release to God.

I receive a few smses:
" Love isn't about compelled to do anything! It's about whether you allow Him to flood you with healing rivers of Love,or closing up and not allow Him to work".
"Forgiving is NOT forgetting! It is giving your suffering to Him. When you have truly given ALL of it to Him, you will experience release from pain. The "not forgetting" part means learn from the mistake and don't fall for it again. Otherwise, you will be burned again. God wants us to learn from our experiences."

Father, I look you You, search my heart O Lord, and see if there is any offensive ways in me, Lead me to Your everlasting. Let the meditation of my heart and word of my mouth be ever pleasing to You, my Lord. I forgive all, and help me to treat others with the same love as before, and not of seeing others 'different'. Help me to be slow in speech and active in listening. Let my words ever pleasing You- let it be edifying, and tearing ones' down. Forgive me of my carelessness of speech, if anytime I've hurt the others, forgive me- and please Lord, bring healing to the others.

To Start Somewhere...

21st September 2006,

5.27pm Thursday evening. Today is happening day. I went to Pantai Mutiara Hospital early morning with 2 of my collegues- Choong and Magdalene. Have a short overview of e-THIS system and the workflow. Work as usual, training, department meeting, and normal routine. I appreciate all that the staff has done, even though sometimes we got a bit quarrels, but learning to see beyond the weakness and accepting the non-lovable things. Learning to look beyond the black dot, and appreciate the white surface. Easily said than done. It's always relationship that is so difficult to deal with, relationship that builds and destroys. What I can learn here? Still..no man an island, and we need one another. I need to relate, and I love to relate to others. I am learning- even getting to know new members in Abundance CG, a different set of environment compared to my previous CG, learning to relate and learn from the wise. Abundance CG composition is well balanced: with married couples with kids, older people - Pastor Mei and Pastor Eddie, Susie (Ps. Sam's wife), young couples, and few of singles and young adult. It's different from my old CG with all young adults, and some couples and married young couples.

I got a mail from Pragas yesterday. I just got to know that he gonna resign and give up his job to go full time missionary course for half a year, then proceed to his calling into mission field to Sri Lanka for another 2 years. He's giving up his work, his home and everything- and persuing the higher calling God has for him. It's not easy, require great faith and such passion for God. It's still go down to the relationship with God- the friendship with God, the love for Him to move out and touch others. Yes, I am encouraged. I'm always encouraged to see people of God doing great exploit for Him. I was once on fire, and will do anything at all for Him, but now I've diluting down, stilling down...The cares of the world has draw me a distance from God. I've hurt Him again and again. I have to get serious and mean what I want to do for Him...

Another person that I want to give thanks for is Benji. A man after God's own heart. I told myself I'll never never put any expectation on him. I've seen so many friendship injured because of expectations on one another-broken trust, disappointment, different phase of life, people come people go. I pray that I will always cheerish friends that God has put along my path. I'm thankful, for people He brought to encourage me in my time of sadness - always pointing me to Christ, keeping me from falling away. Benji has always been a good friend. His honesty and love for God, his powerful testimony, his sharp word of knowledge, indeed a blessing to those who knows him. I hope the best for him...in whatever he does, the Lord will blessed and reward him plentiful.

Friends are friends, God is God. Where is the focus? I learned that in all things, God will always be the focus, no one else, but Christ alone. He is the Centre of the Mark...in everything we do. With this wonderful people come along my path, where is my stand? I must start somewhere...It's long, the mediocre has been long,...what You want me to do at this point, O Lord? How Lord? Where to start Lord? I want to love You more. Yes- start small, in knowing Him in Prayer, communion, His Words, devotion- lifestyle of worship- then in Cell, Family, Church...Can I do it Lord? I've been discouraged and disappointed so many times, can I do it? "Yes, Focus on Me"....Thank You Lord, for giving me the 2nd chance, one after another. Thank You for Your Grace that's so free...I will try my best Lord, please be patient with me. I love You, Daddy!

I'm worship leading this Fri...

19th September 2006,

It's 6.20pm, hmm...yes, it's late and I'm still in the office, what are you doing here, Shirley- you may asked. Hehee...I just finished typing 4 songs to use for worship leading this coming Friday. It has been long since the last time I worship-lead in Cell. Esther asked me to help out in worship for the upcoming Fri-CG. Can't believe I can be given another chance to serve. I'm just so happy,.. after such long time. I'm still not sure which Cell to settle down with, but higher percentage will be Abundance CG. Most of the members are married, young couples, and just a handful of singles. Yet, I feel comfortable, a balance- I can learn a lot from the 'older' people :PP

Today is routine, e-THIS gonna get LIVE this 1st October, and yet the system still have a lot of bugs- a lot more to change, and the staff has been practising and familiarising with the features. Gonna visit Pantai Mutiara this Thurs, and meeting with HOD tomorrow to discuss on Medical Supplies charging- hopefully all able to work well. Need to structurized my thoughts, and the messange that I want to put across during the meeting, or else I will be bombarded with a lot of complaints and ridicules. I'm anticipating more to come, new system, new reno, newness in my own life, newness- a fresh start to know Him more....

Jesus: To be rested in Him alone

18th September 2006,

4.32pm Monday. It's time to go home. Rain heavily today, got wet running to coffee shop for breakfast this morning. The weekends was good. Fri, went for CG, supper with Benji, Winnie and Andrew, then Saturday work the whole day for eTHIS training. Sunday is the Play "My Father, My Hero" organised by the CATs (Creative Arts Trooper Group). Manage to invite a non-Christian friend to the Play and the message is good- about God as our heavenly Daddy that loves us unconditionally, agape Love.

The title for my blog today is about 'resting'. I have a verse craved on a glass, a sovenior given by friend- written on this verse: "In quietness and in Confidence shall be your strength" (Isaiah 30:15). I need to come rested quietly in His Presence and assurance of His love. Life pace has been very fast- I couldn't catch up and many times just tag along, and flow with the crowd. Like a little child that just venture into the unknown, trying to get into the culture and trying to adapt with the environment- searching for more, and compromising here and there, getting acceptance from others, running around without direction, not sure where I am heading- getting LOST! Yet, His hands never let me go, allowing me to go through the wandering land, learning to walk, run and fly- then fall flat and soar up again. He is my all in all, my security, my provision. There is none like Him, no one else can touch my heart like He do. He satisfies, He satisfies, He satisfies my desire. I just need to hold on to that truth and not to be drown in pity party sorrows. Laerning to love myself and pampered myself- also discipline in my walk with Him. Not entertaining the lies of the enemies, but to only believe what the Bible said about me, what God sees in me. Yes, I'm holding on- and here am I, Lord, take me.

Forgive me Daddy, for doubting You and angry...such childish attitude, I wanna change. I come afresh I pray Lord help me to start afresh, only to please You, only to love You, to hear Your voice, to fall in Love again- bring me deeper, deeper in love with You...Jesus hold me close in Your embrace....no more pity party, no more sorrows- but victory, joy and love.

Yo-Yo Expression

14th September 2006,

5.50pm now. It's Thursday. The week gonna end soon. Time just flies, so fast. And I'm lingering around. Now is 2006, and I'm still lingering around. Today I'm very emotional, I don't know why. Is it to do with PMS again? But my menses not come yet, already over. This week rather still, very routine very slow very draggy. Work has been real routine, I don't have much friends in work to talk to and confide. It's not that I need people to confide, just that most of the staff are very seniours and difficult to make conversations. My work here has been really stagnant now, yes- even though management, but then I feel I'm not a good leader, I just don't know how to motivate staff. When got problem I'm not strong enough to back them up. I'm just too young and 'unexperience' to move up, or maybe I'm still the little 'timid' Shirley. It has been 3 years in management, yet I feel as if I don't really achieve anything. Feel so bored with the routine work, don't know whether it's time for me to have some change. Work is rather boring and nothing much to look forward to. Yet, I press on, believe God is trying to knock at my character, intergrity, I really don't know. I don't like to be in Managerial Position, it's probably I'm people-concious, or people-pleaser. Man-pleaser. Always mindful of what others said and what others see about me. I know I have to really change that. Or else my life will be drive only to please people.

I really don't know how to express much. My words are few, my vocabs are few. My English not that good, even though I'm Eng-ed. I don't know how to sweet talk people. I am just that, and I don't like the way I behave, don't know how to talk, don't know how to learn- no motivation at all. What a Christian?! What an example? PR no good. I always like to think bad about myself, always not satisfied. Today was so sad- and feel so lonely. Sometimes there's no reason for that. Then I linger on, probably I entertain the thought, the lies of the enemy- saying Shirley, you're bad, you're bad, very pitiful, nobody's child, no one loves you..you're nothing. Even I know what the Bible said, I'm God's child- yet, sometimes, or many times I feel so defeated and lost. As if not rooted firmly in the Words.

I can be high and mighty at one time, and after few days, drop down flat, defeated. There is no consistency. I really need God's strength to overcome my weakness. "Your Grace is sufficient for me, Your Strength is made perfect in my weakness". How to be consistent? This week ACTS talking about Prayer. Prevailing in Prayer...Am I prayerful enough? How do I approach prayer? Oh Lord, I need to buckle up myself, and I can't do it with my own strength. At time, I feel You're so far. At times, I feel I can't reach You...and I feel as if I'm drowning apart, and it's so long to reach You. Daddy, rekindle that fire Lord. I want to please you and You alone. Not man, not others. I want the first love, the passion, the love, the purpose of life. And most of all I need You. Strengthen my inner stances Lord, strengthen me I pray, tht I will not swayed to the left or right, but to remain steadfast, holding on to Your commandment.

MPS Scientific Conference, Crown Princess Hotel, KL 8-10th Sept 2006

10th Sept 2006,

2.47pm Sunday. Yup, just finish lunch and now waiting for time to pass on to travel to airport. Going back Penang in 3 hours time. My flight is 6pm. Time flies, so fast it has come to the end of my trip. KL trip has been quite pleasant, pretty enjoyable, even though quite tired runnign around town.

I reached KL on Thurs about 9.30pm, and took KLIA Express to KL Sentral; frm there took another Putra LRT to Ampang Park, then walk to Hotel for check-in. By that time already 11pm plus. Wow, can't believe I can be so independant in travelling now. Probably I've learned from Singapore trip experience, know how to explore and venture different places, different route. It's good to travel and be away from work, and rest, not forgetting meeting lost lost friends . Overall, I'm blessed in this trip.

Angie stayed with me in the hotel on Thurs nite, and we went for supper (Dinner for Angie) in Mc-D till 3am. It's great, to share on the updates - things in church, the happening in Cell, frens that we known -who got married and whoever has been attached. Tiring but a fulfilling day. The next day Fri I had breakfast in the hotel, and after that start my travelling to Dang Wangi, then interchange to Raja Chulan station. Meeting up with Herbert for lunch and as usual, he shared so much on his encounter in his relationship. I was pretty shock to hear that he gonna get married Jan next year. He said he just started relationship a week ago. Wow, that is unbelievable. Indeed God is working in his relationship encounter. Hmm..another new couple. This week itself I've known of 2 new couples: Herbert and Roland.

After that I went shopping alone in BB Plaza, quite a varieties of clothing and cute stuff but didn't buy anything. No sales, got to wait for next year. After shopping around, supposed to meet up with Jenny but she couldn't make it last minutes, so I manage to grab Kawai to accompany me for dinner - that's my night.

Sat is a full day, probably not, only half day conference. Skip the last concurrent session to go KLCC for movie. Meet up Jaime and my old old long lost coursemate- Foo Chee Keong, hearing the updates, life has been going well with others, promotion, family, kids. Cool! I watched "CLICK" with Kawai, enter late- the movie quite alright, good story line about family. Rating, ok only.

Yeah, I'm now in Lighthouse Fellowship, Kawai's room. He is sleeping soundly, yes, must be very tired accompanying me go shopping and movie. Don't wanna wake him up, let him sleep. Today's service is long, 3 hours plus- more on ministering. Ps Joseph ministered to the people, God is ministering His presence in the church. I was so touched and enlighten to see God moved mightily in the place- people touched, cried and transform in the heart. The worship was great, I enjoy it so much. Maybe it's also because I'm familiar with the worship songs, only a few that I never heard before but can catch up after a few times singing. Pastor shared on book of Joshua 23, about finding the rest in His presence. About holding fast to His comendment so that we don't swayed from left to right, but to stand steadfast. Very timely message. I seen the church has grown, people coming out giving testimony and giving glory to God for what He has done. Overall it's a blessing.

Wow, I'm tired, got to end this blog and it's time to go to airport. Tomorrow will be another week of challenges. Praise God for the wonderful week....Penang here I come :P He's sleeping like a baby, let him...Oh boy, I'm so tired!

Singapore: Sweet and Sour

4th September 2006,

5.05pm Monday. Has been a long holidays 4days, 3 nite in Singapore. Long holidays, sweet and sour memories. There's a phrase: To write the hurts on the sand, and crave the blessings on the stone, something like that. I shouldn't have write it in the blog, probably the brief one. Singapore trip still a good trip after all that happen. It's tiring, yet fulfilling. I was blessed, and hurt at the same time. Yet all that happen is meant something- a lesson to learn. I see the world is just so big, many many people, different in character- weakness to able to acccept. I just realise I wasn't a patience person, I can just see the fault in others yet I discover the real flaw in myself which require correction. A person that is bitter inside, and have yet to learn the art of forgiveness, self confidence. I was so mindful of what others said about me, the comments others posted to me on my character, and entertain the thought that I'm not well enough. There's a saying: What you say is who you are. And if I continue to be like that, it will destroy whatever good things the Lord want to do in my life.

Sweet memories- meeting up with Heong Beng, and he shared with us how the Lord lead him in the workplace, how he manage to get leave for his wedding anniversary, and how the Lord continue to speak to him in his circumstances. I learn frm him, a childlike faith, a nice man. I meet up with Olivia, she's 7 months pregnant. Wow, so fats huh? She drove me back from Orchard to Yishun and we cook pasta together for dinner. Nice home, well decorated with small little garden. We chatted and watch Singapore Idol till about 10.30pm then they drop me at Yishun MRT. I took MRT back Bukit Gombak, and waited 1 1/2 hours for Felix to come back to open the door. Angry, exhausted but still able to sleep well.

Next day, meet up with Dr Teoh. Catch up for a while on the updates, and he showed us his little daughter's picture. Very nice, cute. Then go around Suntect City and Esplanade, after that take a MRT back Johor all by myself. Have a great fellowship with Celina, and her CGL Katrynn, then Saturday back Singapore to take bus back Penang. Reached Pg 6.00am, back home sleep a while, then wake up to go church for ushering. Thanks my holidays. Sweet and Sour...anyhow it's still enjoyable holidays.

Singapore, second trip

28th August 2006,

5.43pm, Monday. Today is a very busy day- running up and down, discuss on the Pharmacy Reno and design. Very tired and sleepy. Got headache till it reached my eyes. Now looking at the computer, tired.

Yup, I'm going Singapore tomorrow 8.30pm bus. Expected to reach Singapore the next day morning. Yes, my 2nd trip. 1st trip by SIA flight to NCC for attachment, then this time is just some sort of holidays. I hope it's a holidays, hope won't ended up getting more tired. I don't really like travelling- but since I have passport can just make use of my passport, and can meet up sister. Has not been traveling with bus for years, I've just prepared myself few tabs of Dramamine and Pharmaton, hopefully it will help my motion sickness and tiredness. Quite a last minute thing, we don't really plan- Marcus suggested to go, and we join in...so last minute but thank God my boss approve the leave. Hopefully things will be well....

Rev Roy Durman Healing Rally

23th August 2006,

5.29pm Tuesday. Today time flies, we had IT training for our new Hospital Information System, e-THIS. Just brush up on few Drug Master and to know the feature before we go LIVE. Yes, am excited. A system will never be perfect, there's pro and cons. A bit not flexible, but okay. Praise God the staff are positive to learn. I hope not to get much complaint...hopefully things will work out well.

Last Sat is healing rally by Rev Roy Durman. I did not attend the Friday session. It's 3-days (Thurs, Fri, Sat) but I only attend the last day. I believe in healing. I believe God can heal. God is the healer. Each time talking about healing, I just reflect back the experience with daddy. Fighting cancer, battling with cancer wasn't a good experience at all. It leave a mark in my life. Not entirely a painful mark, yes-indeed it's so painful, seeing your love one suffer and in pain. I remember how I question God, how much tears have I shed, literally crying myself to sleep. Praying pressing on, yet it doesn't seem to see the improvement, but daddy condition getting worse till his last breathe. I can feel how painful it was. But the only encouraging experience is Daddy last word before his final time: "The Lord is my Lord and Savior". That is the only happy ending. Tears shed, pain and sadness mixed with joy. We're crying seeing Daddy leaving us, but Daddy is crying because he's gonna be with God.

Indeed the experience is deep. I'm in medical background, I hope with my knowledge of medical equation, my faith will still stand strong. Yes, God can heal, and we are to pray..and God hear our prayer, and answer according to His will. The healing rally is awesome, it's an eye opener for me to see with my own 2 eys so many people received healing. I'm helping in Testimony Team, where we're to write up testimony of those who's healed. Praise God! Indeed it's not man's work, but it's God's work. He is the same Yesterday, Today, and Forever. He healed in the Ancient time, yes- now He can heal too.

The blind can see, the lame can walk, Amen, Amen, Amen! I seen an old man in wheelchair able to walk again. After being prayed over, the pastor asked him to come out of the wheelchair and he did, and he can walk, he can jump, he can run. The man got accident 15 years ago with left eye blinded because of the accident, got healed. "I was blind but now I can see" Amen! A man with one leg shorter than another now became normal. A young girl with squint eyes now back to normal, Awesome! So many people rushing through to be prayed for, so many needs, so many non-believers that need the "Hope".

Abba Father, I believe in You Lord, You are the ame Yesterday, Today, and Forever. Thank You for Your work- healing people, thank You for revealing to me so many needs of the people. Yes, Lord, people need the Lord...people need You Lord. So many people need You. Father, help me to be the light wherever I go..so that people can see You through me Lord. Yes Father, I wanna follow You, just to follow You and You'll make me fisher of men. Amen!

Touch N Go ?

14th August 2006,

5.14pm Monday Cool. Yeah, busy weekends. Whole day Saturday working and CVS conference. Yes, learned a lot, but still so tiring. Sleep the earliest ever 10pm already knock off. Sunday conference continued on....till lunch, then Family Day. Tiring yet fulfilling. This year we don't have Family Camp, so Family Day organised in Penang to cater more members to participate. My team (Yellow) won 3rd Prize.

Yeah, I join Mawar Team. Had been questioned many many times, a lot people has been asking me which Cell have I decided to join. Each time the question posted, I felt just speechless. By my floating, will I be aencouraging others to float to other Cell? Will my act giving approval to others that it's okie to float? Yeah, Andrew has been asking me many times, whether to join JOC, Jon asked, Ps. Sam asked. I really don't know. At this point I'm quite comfortable going around CGs, getting to know more people, exposing myself to different types of CGs. Andrew point out one thing, quite strong Word, but it's true: "Touch and Go". Am I touching and just go? Not settling down and grow. True indeed. Maybe I am still struggling on myself- just don't want to decide too fast and want more 'resting' time. Well...I don't think anyone can identify with such feeling. I told others- hmmm....will decide soon, will decide soon, probably end of the year. Well, maybe I'm just too selfish, keep delaying. Yet I'm assured the time will come for me to find the place of belonging, a place to settle down, grow and serve again...it's just a matter of the right time, right place. Just need to be prayerful, and look forward. God-driven and not Man-driven.

Hospital Visit to General Hospital Penang

6th August, 2006

Hospital Visit Report (extracted from Roland's mail)
Participants: Shirley Moy, Benji, Cindy Chan, Yueh Nee, Alex Teh, Lionel Koh, Jason Nga, Patras Masih, Andrew Khoo, Shiao Yen, Phei Phei, Deborah Nga, Jason Lee, Helena Wong, Ai Ling, Roland Tang
Time: 4:30pm to 6.30pm

The Group who visited the GH on Sunday (08/06)

Purpose and Objective
To bring a group out to be exposed to doing evangelistic efforts in the hospital, for the zone members to work together, share the Good News of Jesus in the hospital, and hope to those who were losing them. The work consists of primarily 3 cell groups (A2J, Jars of Clay and Zion). We also had the pleasure of Benji (CGL for Desa-U) to support the work.

The Evening
The group first started assembling at the front of Pekaka Square, at the foyer, from 4pm. We were slightly delayed as some came in late. The briefing was done by Roland at 4.25pm, and these were the points:
The visit is to see the needy in the hospital, to share the Good News where possible to the patients

To bring hope to those who were losing them
Before we departed from Pekaka Square, we all prayed, holding hands, to ask God to grant us boldness and strength to share the Good News and the hope that abides in us. We also prayed for unity, that there would be no confusion from the whole arrangement, but the complementing of strength, one for another.

We arrived at the hospital at 5.10pm. This is where the pairings were done.
The pairings are:
Jason Nga & Tan Phei Phei
Shirley Moy, Yueh Nee and Jason Lee
Benji and Ai Ling
Deborah an Helena
Lionel and Alex
Cindy, Andrew and Shiao Yen
Patras and Roland

We were divided to the different floor of Block C, where the general ward was. Lionel, Alex, Cindy, Andrew and Shiao Yen did the children’s ward, while the others focused on the adults.
There was quite a fair bit of ground covered. Many patients were ministered to. Many prayers were offered for the patients, to ask for God’s healing and His salvation.

Some highlights:
1 salvation recorded – an Indian man named Selva Kumar
16 prayers lifted for the sick and needy
6 of the children were prayed for/over

Lowlights:
5 refused prayer, because of the faith incompatibility
Insufficient time (time management, and also visiting hours limitation)
What we found from the visit?
Most patients we approached were open and willing to share, because they needed someone they could talk to. (Generally, we approached those who were lonely)

Some of them have been in the hospital for quite sometime, perhaps 1 month or even months. We managed to find Helen (the girl from Wesley in coma) – she seemed more receptive, when asked to be prayed over, she blinked her eye.
One woman had a lot of needs (looking for clothes and pampers) as she had some urinary problems (always wetting the bed).

What can we do better?
For certain, we needed to improve on time (punctuality). It would have been better if the visiting hours were longer. And of course, if we observed time.
Language – Some pairings did not have strong language commands in the dialects (especially Hokkien). Need to work on this.
Prepare name cards that would point patients to the church, for some form of follow up to be done.
A little gift for the patients would be nice.
Mental preparation – adequate training to be given before the visit would surely help to cover more grounds.
We noted that there were lots of needs. Some patients asked for material support, to aid their need. Some sought prayer. We managed to pray for at least 1 Malay man, and shared the hope of Jesus.
Conclusion
This is surely an opening by exposing the many facets of ministry in service, to open to the ministry of evangelism.
By means of this, it is hopeful that it would spur or motivate us to more evangelism to the less fortunate in the near future.

Prayer
Father, we thank You for a wonderful and fruitful ministry with the patients in the hospital. Indeed we know that You were with us, and for us, to help us and guide us in what we needed to do. And now we give You praise, because we have heard so many testimonies of Your faithfulness. Thank You for being our help in the time of need, we are grateful. We ask that You will continue to inspire us, and move in us with compassion to bring hope to those who are in need of hope in the hospital. Move our hearts, that our hearts may beat with Yours. We thank You, and pray all these, in Jesus most precious and wonderful name, Amen!

An eventful Sunday III

8th August 2006,

5.18pm. Tuesday. Yes, I'm still in the office. Want to blog down the incidence on Sunday before logging off. Today was alright, training up Raz for CDR in the morning, then afternoon went for Physio and Anaes. Meeting.

Sunday was indeed a great experience. We went for Hospital visitation, initiated by Roland and Deborah. It's not my first time of such visitation, but most of my hospital visitation is visiting Christian. I remember 2 years back I do visit my staff's son who undergo operation because of his uneven kidney, which cause infection and impairment. It takes lots of boldness to ask if I can pray for the little boy. Praise God, the mother is quite open and allowed me to lay hands and pray. The last time I ever pray for sick people was in Lam Wah Ee, visiting Yueh Nee's mum which diagnosed with breast cancer.

But this hospital visitation is different. We're going in the General Hospital into the wards, with empty hands, but just with a heart to search out to bring hope to the patients. It's not only takes courage and such boldness to walk to patients bed and introduce ourselves, but it also bring our heart to feel for them, to have the love, to bring hope to the hopeless and needy. Evangelism, speaking out with love, introducing people to the love and hope we ave in Christ. It's very encouraging when the patients openned to us, allowing us to pray for them. One opportunity after the other,..the harvest is plentiful, very much plentiful but the workers are few. It's the sense of joy and satisfaction, seeing the reaping of one soul. Praise God, Benji lead one patient to Christ, it's awesome! The whole heaven rejoices! I'm so encouraged, we should have challenged Aunty Naya to accept Christ...anyhow, it's all by the move of the Spirit. All glory to Him. It was truly an eventful Sunday- we look forward for the next trip.

In the evening we went for Mrs. Chan's funeral. It's a sudden news. Mrs. Chan has been with us since the early startoff of EPCC, in the old Sanctuary. I can still remember Mrs. Chan accepted Christ, learning to grow thru' her Christian life, learning to pray, and loving God. And I'm so encouraged to see Un. Ronnie accepted Christ after a while. Yes, we're in the Usher team, she's a wonderful lady, always giving her best in the little thing she can do. Ever faithful servant, a women after God's own heart- childlike and faithful. Her life is a testimony to a lot of people...

Ponder through life,....the cycle of life. I've lost my Daddy, and I missed him so so much. Yes, "berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu dipikul". It won't be easy for the family, but I believe with God's grace things will able to work out well. All things work for good for those who love God...There's always a silver lining below the clouds. Life goes on...We got to live a purposeful life. I prayed for Mum, she's the one and only I have right now. Seeing her getting older really make my heart ache. Last night she said she urinate blood. I was afraid, I don't want to see anything ever happen to her. Praise God, I just called- she said she's alright, urine clear and it's normal. Yes, even though sometimes I do argue and quarel with mummy, but Mummy still mummy...even tho' we quarel, things will get back well the next day. I got to evaluate how I treated Mum...no more with expectation, but to expect myself to do the best I can for her...Yes, Mummy I love you!

Heal me O Lord, and I will be Healed, Save me and I will be saved..

5th August 2006,

1.00pm, Saturday. Yeah, it's time to go home. Saturday half day. Tired, body aching. Pain at my left heel, intensified during walking and after waking up in the morning. Dr. George said X-Ray shown spondilytis (tiny spur) seen at the heel, but the pelvic bone shown normal. Can't believe as such age can get spur, usually spur happen in elderly. Oh dear, that means aging process is really happening. Reaching 30's...really really can't believe it. With such age, body really weaken. Mum always nag me for not taking good care of myself: didn't wear proper shoes, don't take much fruits and vege, sleep so late, don't want to see doc, bla bla bla...I don't seem to improve even after the nagging. But now, when seeing a lot bad result, I begin to get scared. Few days ago, I went for Blood check. It's annual Blood check for those doing CDR: FBC, LFT, BUSE. The others level is good, normal range, but my LFT is high, ALT: 69, AST: 41. I got a shock, how can my liver been deteriorating. I'm quite worried, called up Dr. George, he said probably because stress or other drugs that I've been taking. Funny to think about it, I don't take much drugs, neither do I have much stress. Hmmm...reflecting back my pass medical history, so far not much of problem. Yeah, my dad have liver problem, but I've taken Hepatitis B vaccination.

A few times I felt chest pain and bones pain all over. There's one incident wake up can't able to breath. O Lord, I need Your healing hands. Lord heal me, I pray. Heal me O Lord, and I will be healed, save me and I will be saved...this is my prayer...in You I find strength and help in times of need.

Succesful discussion, Praise God!

3th August 2006,

5.28pm, Thurs. Waiting to go to Pfizer talk. Today is okie. Had a discussion with Mr Koh and Ivan regarding repositioning of counters. Earlier on, Ivan insisted to maintain counter 1, 4 and 8. But I have different proposal, to help the Pharmacy staff work more efficiently. Yeap, the discussion was alright, praise God! Mr. Koh was pretty supportive, with his presence a lot things able to be settled well. Finally I manage to kill 2 birds with one stone. We have decided to reposition the counters, not only the Dispensing Counters but also the Cashiers..and to renovate the area, gonna have a new look. I hope the solution that we have come out with will come to pass, not just mere talking. I really hope the management will do what they had promised. Today was alright, discussion is good, work as usual. Waiting for Pfizer talk later in the evening, not sure what I'm gonna do here. Another 2 hours to go, so doing some blogging. Celina went back yesterday, with Brandon. Hmm...not too sure about their relationship, a while good, a while bad. Not sure what Celina really wanted. Am not in the position to give inputs, no experience. Hope she will be coping well. She has been really independant. I believe it's God plan for her to join UKM instead of USM...God is working in her, indeed He is...and will, forever.

Transparency, accountability

29th July 2006,

1.21pm Saturday. Yeap, half day. Today's patient load is not that high, quite relief now. Very tired, sleep around 2 am yesterday nite. I attend JOC yesterday, Andrew lead the group, sharing on JOC mission and vision- Transparency, sharing on Ps139. I couldn't find the place, round the taman for many many rounds- finally give up, call Andrew to help give direction. JOC have a strong worship. I enjoyed the worship the most, it boost everyone before the sharing- this will make sharing easier to absorb by members. Sleep at 2 am, tired but it's worth the time spent. Had a drink with Andrew after CG, has been a while since the last time meet. I'm blessed, to know him...and appreciate his openness and willingness to share his life experience with me. God has been working well, and His fingerprint is so real in his life, for this I'm thankful...Thanks Andrew, for being my brother!

Last week sermon Pr. shared his heart out in regards to transparency among Christian, it's after Men's Retreat. ACTS also stressed on transparency, and CG do talk about that as well. It seems that this week is what the Lord wants to deliver on the message on transparency.

James 5:16 is the main verse:
16Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].Amplified Bible

It teach us how we should pray? Openly, privately, accountability to one another. All sins and fall short of God's glory. Everyday we're sinning, unconciously or conciously. And many times the devil use the sins to threaten us, condemn us. It's so difficult to be victorious over sins. James 5 is so relevent- to confess to one another of our fault (Amplified Bible), trespasses (NKJV), and PRAY for one another- talk about support, accountability, so that you may be HEALED and RESTORED. The earnest prayer (heartfelt, continued, fervent) is dynamic. That is from Amplified Bible. Accountability with one another, the support and prayer by fellow Christian will lift up the burdens, and lead us to go on, to press on for His Glory- to be accountable for us to grow.

I'm asking myself- do I have any accountable friends? What is the step towards transparency and accountability? First- the trust, common ground, it take humility to tell others our sins, our wrongdoing, it takes effort to open up, to trust and to be vulnerable...and for one I'm sure I am not. I rarely open up. Most of the time, others open up to me- is it to do with pride? Or it's just that I'm chossy. Just too chossy on the person for me to share?

Yes Lord, I've heard of Your Word, how important for us to be transparent, not of being hypocrite, but be openned and transparent with one another. Father, I'm open before you, I'm transparent before you, I tear all the walls open and laid it bare before You. You know my struggles... You have searched me and known me, You know my sitting down and my rising up, You understand my thought afar off.. You know it all, I'm willing Lord, first to be transparent before You, acknowledge my sins and shortcoming before You, Lord help me, restore me to Your purpose, lead me to Your everlasting.

Blessed Assurance, Jesus is Mine

28th July 2006,

5.14pm, Friday. Thank God for Fri...it's gonna be weekends, great! Yeap, today is Friday, and Fri is a CG day. So which CG am I gonna be visiting today? I'll join Jars of Clay (my little brother's CG). Mum not at home, she's on her way driving to Bro's place for dinner. I won't join them- will be going back home eat Maggie Mee :P Then go Pr. Mei's hse for CG.

This week has been a good week. My heart rested well, doing ACTs every night before sleep helps me in the Words. Learning to pray for others and the needs, looking beyond my own needs. Visited Ps Prem yesterday, he wasn't well, diagnosed with AML and looks pretty depressed. I truly understand how it feels. It's never easy going through such trials, pain and suffering. But all intended for some reason. Yes, all things work for good for those who love God, all things. That should be the assurance we have. To persevere on the life on earth, thru' persecution, suffering and pains- knowing that as we trust and hold on the faith, God will bring us higher. Sometimes we just wonder why bad people always escape, good people always suffer. The rich get richer, the poor poorer. It's heart wretching isn't it? Yet, the assurance of God is there, He is Sovereign, He is in control, He has made all things beautiful in His time. Press on the race, knowing that the prize is heavenward in Christ.

Life Application Bible, NKJV

25th July 2006,

Yeap..that's right, I finally bought the Study Bible, cool! Hmm..I have 2 bibles both given by Celina, and now finally got my own. Will need to make the fullest use of it. I've wanted to start afresh, in Bible reading- back up with the Sword, the WOG to able to grow strong, to be a better person. ACTS is very much powerful tools, ..indeed Ps. Sam has put a lot effort in this, preparing the material, very practical approach.

Today supposed to be audit by the Ministry of Health, but they postponed the visit to tomorrow. I did not do much, probably coz I didn't feel the pinch, quite experience from the previous accreditation. Work has been quite routine, normal- nothing much challenging. For some it's a good thing, not so much of stress, have some life. For me, it's okie, but without putting more efford to keep me occupied, I'll end up complacent and lazy...I hope not. Yes, am waiting for new system e-THIS, new coding, new structure. Confirmed to implement by 31th Auguest. Can't wait for it. My CDR Unit, hopefully by end of the year able to set it up properly. Delegation so far so good. Staff response well, not sure about Magdalene..hope she can cope without Charmine. I have 2 students with me now, 1 Pharmacy Student, a guy another Medical student. I thank God for this 2 students, very hardworking- didn't count much, do whtever seniors asked to do. Hope the attachment in GMC will provide good experience and additional practical knowledge for their future use.

Well, Tuesday- nothing much, going back have lunch, then spend time with mum, doing reading and rest. Not much of activities with church friends, only weekends. Cell Group...still not sure, thinking of joining back Desa-U...Benji has take up the CGL role, wanting to support, yet feel inadequate, as if has been long far off, not sure what to contribute. Still wandering, prayerfully when the right time comes, I'll get back on-track. Praise God!

Sing a new song to the Lord

10th July 2006,

6.00pm Monday evening. Write my blog before going off to Flame. Later the Desa-U rian will meet up- gonna hv dinner wth Matt before he go off to China. Wah, he's a blessed man- God has really blessed him with wonderful opportunity for climb coaprate ladder.

I reached Pg Airport 7pm, Benji and Jason came to pick me up then we join the rest for dinner. Really tired, but Kl trip was a fruitful one, I learned a lot, and am blessed by the fellowship with ex-SAHC, Lisa and Kawai. Manage to watch a bit from Fire conference CD- on Paul Baloche teaching one session on the heart of worship. I'm amazed on the way he sing to the Lord, yes- sing to the Lord from the heart. To know the scripture, and take out the Scripture and sing, just sing out. Sing praises to Him, worship from the heart. Worship in Spirit and truth....I'm blessed and challenged. Ps. Joseph shared on book of Joshua, how he conquer the land of Ai, and what can we learn from tht. We never can run ahead of God, but to wait for the opportunity, and He will provide the blessings- Blessings from obedient. Settled the sins, deal with the sins before victory come. Holding on and living on the Word of God.

Wake up late today-8.30am, rain so heavily, continuously. I jammed for almost an hour, the cars doesn't seem to move at all, trying to use other route (Jelutong) but end up the same. Finally manage to get to hospital by 10am, wow, that is late. I had lunch with Mr Koh, Japansese food- he treat. He's rather quiet man, and I'm also quiet person, we do talk on some personal things- eg. what we do during weekends, how is the church doing- reaching to Vietnamese, etc. Overall alright. I'm still not comfortable with people th higher authority, yes- respect and also need to treat the person as human...learning. My boss is good boss- never ever pressuring me. Thank God for him. Yup, going off. The guys must be waiting- hopefully not jam. Till then! Bye

About to end...good trip!

9th July 2006,

12.10am Sunday morning. Lisa just went back. Lisa is a lady I meet when I visit Kawai's CG. Surprisingly it's not the 1st time that I meet her. I think I've attended her church_Grace Assembly couple years back when I visit Kenneth and Sarah. It's a small world- she know Li Gean and Viveene from FGC, my hometown church. Today conference was really taxing. I missed the 1st plenary in the morning because I overslept. Pretty tired. After the conference, take few minutes nap- then meet up with Lisa and eat at Mc-D. It's always nice to have gathering with Christian. She shared a lot to me, about what she learned during the Elijah Home, about Fathely love. The message quite similar to what Ps. Sam preached during Father's Day. I'm blessed to be reminded of the message again. Indeed good time. Each time before she leave she will pray with me. I'm amazed to see such caring and passionate lady, that desire to love God and make Him to be known.

Yeah, tomorrow is Sunday. Will miss church in Penang. Will not able to attend "Too close Too soon" seminar..wow, can escape from tht, good. Have been attending quite a number of the Singles talk, should be enough I guess. Yeah, will be visiting Lighthouse Fellowship tomorrow- hope I can wake up early tomorrow and get a right train to Taman Bahagia. This time don't want to take cab- previous experience has not been a pleasant one. Yeah, got to sleep- tomorrow church, got to be prepared for powerful message by Ps. Joseph, alright, bye Legend Hotel Room#1710, computer :P Nite!

3rd PENSMA Biennial Congress: Nutritional Support, Legend Hotel, Kuala Lumpur

7th July 2006,

12.08am Saturday morning. I just got back from gathering with old classmates: Kok Keong, Andrew, Jenny and Sim Wooi. It was a great gathering, after so long didn't meet. I enjoy the time chatting and as usual the jokes. Yeah, today is 1st Day of the conference. So far so good, I learn quite some bit about TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) even though we're not into such service in GMC.

I was pretty tired. Yesterday (Thurs) flight supposed to be 7.25pm but delayed to 10.00pm. By the time we reach Legend Hotel, it's already past midnite: 12.45pm. Then another bad experience. The hotel gave me wrong room. My ascess card could not open the door because there was someone inside. I can hear the snoring. Called up the Hotel staff twice before they finally arrange another room for me. By the time all settled it was real late: 1.30am. Anyway, cool! I have a free internet ascess here. Even though the computer is not Window based, but I can still surf and ascess to mailbox. That is why I'm here, middle of the nite blogging all the way through.

Today seminar pretty okie, few of the session I almost doze off, but with coffee manage to keep my eyes open. Fresenius Kabi sponsored quite a number of people from Penang. Most of the people were from Government side- Dr. Luah, and co. only 2 of us from private: Ms. Chen (Adventist Hospital Head of Pharmacy) and myself. Ganesh was sponsored by Braun. We had same flight, and it's good time for bonding and sharing of experience. Ms Chen always my role model in private healthcare. A lot people afraid of her, yet there's still respect in terms of her way of handling work- very discipline and no no to play a fool with.

After the seminar, I went to gym, had a quick workout and then come back freshen up to join the gathering. I was very encouraged to hear Andrew joinign fulltime ministry. He's now a Children Pastor in SIB church in KL, near Eastin Hotel. Only a few people that I'm close with during Form 6 time: Jenny, Keong and Andrew. We chatted in Kopitiam Restaurant, Sri Hartammas- and we just saying that time was so fast that we're now so old. Can't believe we're reaching 30's soon, and some already in their 30's. Oh No! I can't imagine myself in 30's, another more year I'll be nenek.....Oh No!

I was really tired. Just now sis called- she shared with me on the possiblity of breaking up with her bf. Again??!! I was pretty unhappy with the decision, as if she has been going around many relationship and none has been successful. Most of the time she is the one rejecting the relationship, probably have not found a "right" person, or is it something to do with expectation. Hmmm...I wonder my case, I've not been in any relationship before- can't believe it yeah? That's right, never into any relationship. Most of the time I was the one that clapping one hand, a few times- sensing someone that attract to me, but know not suitable- keeping a distance. I wonder how will my relationship be? Well, as for me, of such time, relationship will lead to marriage, or else better to stay single.

12.30am, am tired, gonna logoff. Thank you Lord for the day.

Arguement, Confrontation never a pleasant thing

5th July 2006,

5.49pm Had a bad day, again- arguement with Choong. Dr Hafiz called up to check on the drugs- he suspect pharmacy give wrong instruction on drugs- warfarin. The patient INR reduce to 1.1, and he suspect the patient underdose. I check up the prescription- found out that the dose is 3mg, bottle is 2mg one tab once daily. I look at who did the error. Never my intention to pint point anyone. It's a team- the whole process wrong- to the whole team should bear the fault, yet 2 escape, did not sign on the Rx.

Choong so upset, heated arguement- saying me targeting her. She refuse to write. I felt so aweful. Whether it's mistake or not- it's not my point. My point is people don't want to take responsibility. I'm just so tired. It's never easy to say something bad in front of others. It always reflect the bad-guy, how bad I am, making others to hate me. I guess the whole department must hate me for being strict with things. I'm just so tired, rather it's better being 2nd pharmacist- or maybe it's my character that God is trying to change- pride? Stubburnness?

I know I should esteem others, praise others when they doing right. Yet I've not try. Maybe that's why people think all are the same, whether do good or not good, whether perform or not. How am I going to handle the staff? The seniors hate me so much. I just prayed yesterday- pray for the staff, pray for me to love people, pray for every staff to be blessed; yet now today I experience such unpleasant thing. What is God trying to do? He's meaning something with me. Pray and see changes- trials and fruits? Or don't pray let it go off naturally- no impact- complacent?

Anyhow, I'm standing firm in hIs Word, yes He is working. All things work for good for those who love Him. As long as I do according to His Spirit, His Wisdom, have faith things will change. Oh Lord, help me!

Fly again...

3rd July 2006,

5.48pm, Monday. Yes, I'm flying again- locally, next week to KL for PENSMA conference, followed by another week to Kuching. People said my job is so nice able to travel, yes indeed. Time to relax and out from work, to explore other places, meeting new people. How blessed. Plan to meet up wth old classmates.

Testimony Sunday. I guess EPCC is the only church with Testimony Sunday, and Fathering Pastor Conference. Our church believes in being instrument for God to touch community, nations and to the world. That can be reflect through our commitment in Missions, in Urban Street Outreach, and a lot other community outreach. To know God and make God known throughout the world. Making Jesus the Virtual reality. One time Ps. shared: God is going to do something great in EPCC, taking EPCC to a greater heights..he encouraged us to grasp and catch the vision and flow alongside, to jump in the flow, whether you want it or not, it's gonna come...and yes, indeed true, it's coming. God's annointing is here, so real in EPCC, it's here. How are we response? Those that running and jumping into the flow will just experience the wonderful things, how about those that lag behind?

A question to myself- how have I positioning myself? Hv I jumped in and get into the move? Or am I lagging behind? If I'm lagging behind- then, will I ever able to get in the track again? Mission trip to Nepal has closed- that is so awesome, to see EPCCian so excited to answer the call to reach the unreached- to the far end of the earth. I was contemplating whether to sign up when the church announce on the mission trip- and now it's close. It just dawn upon me that the opportunity will pass very fast if you don't grap it. Time passed- seize the day, seize the opportunity. If there's any tuck in your heart of doing something for God, don't just think and think and think, wait and wait and wait- just jump in the boat, believing God is the one that heed the rowing- He will guide the way.

Am I lagging behind? Move on, believing God will able to give 2nd chance. He will never fail to give us more opportunity. Get the right heart- be obedience to the call He has for you.

Over and over again, ...You shower Your Love..

29th June 2006,

Yeah, end of June now. This morning got my payslip, 1/2 month bonus up, cool! Praise God. Next month will be Union discussion. Even though I'm not consider Union member, but if any positive discussion will give benefit to the Management staff as well. I hope that I will be qualify for the pay adjustment, not too sure, coz I'm by contract, so my basic will be the same every year for 3 years.

Just now Benji smsed me, invite me to attend CG tomorrow- will be held at Mawar. Hmmm, one thing I admire about Benji is his willingness, his passion for God's things. Even with his tight schedule, shift work- he will tried to make it for church, for prayer meet, for cell. It's always encouraging to know such passion, standing strong during heavy storm- hanging on to God whatever it takes, a childlike heart to trust God. Benji shared- God gonna do something great in the Cell. Yeah, he has the passion for cell, for people, to take up the Desa-U group when Eric and Matt's away. Holding the fork, standing in the frontline, willing to take the challenge, and allowing God to use him. I felt pretty ashamed of myself, never want to contribute anything for His Kingdom. Always giving excuses. Afraid to commit, afraid to draw near.

I'm always focusing on the weakness, not the strength, the negative and not the positive, the past and not the future- then how am I going to move on? Even with that Daddy still so patiently awaiting, over and over again- He shower His love upon me, like rian from above, He shower His love on me. Thank you Daddy, for bearing with me, patient with all my rebels, gracious and merciful with my undeserving and wretched behaviours. You're so worthy, so so worthy, no one compares to You, no one compares to You, Daddy. You're just so great. Thank You, thank You!

June...

28th June 2006,

5.48pm in the office. Have not been writting my blog for a month plus. Nothing much to share. Work is alright, but has been quite routine. Charmine has left, further her study- doing Master in Pharmacy in USM. She has been great colleague, I appreciate her so much, a nice person, pleasant attitude, and eager to learn and to work her best. Too bad she's attached, or else wanna introduce to Marcus:P

As for June, nothing really much. I felt as my life has been fleeting away. Has announced to my Cell that I'm officially released to go other CGs. Many had asked which cell that I planned to join? I have no idea, I really don't know which one. Have been taking long time to float around, and it's really not good, not healthy spiritually. I've been going out a lot with others- A2J, Zionist, those that I'm familiar with, but...I guess it's just not enough, there's just something lacking there. Well, I know I got to do something, not just let time pass and fly away, wasting every moments. Yet, I just don't wanna do anything, allowing the time to drag and passed and on and on. It's really a waste. I searching, wandering what I'm doing? What I'm actually doing right now? Have I been a good steward for Christ? No! I'm not. Have I been a good boss, a testimony to the rest, and point others to Jesus? No, I've not, Have I been a good daughter? No! I'm not.... Pastor's message past few weeks is really good- being son before being a Father. Learn to be sons and daughters FIRST. That's the first call. And the knocking is there, knock knock, my Heavenly Daddy is knocking at the door of my heart each day. It's just me, whether am I ready to let Him in?

Benji's daddy just passed away couple days ago. I'm so shock by the news, a day after Fathers' Day, and a day after we have dinner together. The funeral was solemn, I can feel his heart hurting, I can identify with his feeling, I really can, but I really don't know what to do. We can't do anything, but just pray and stand by him. Thats' all we can do. I miss daddy so much. Reflect back the time of his last breath. Seem so tough outside, but inside just broken, yet life goes on. Yeah, all things work for good for those who loves God, who has been called according to His plan and promises. Yet at this point, I still wonder...what is Your good plan for me? Yes, I know You are good, always good, but wht's next?

Esther smsed and emailed me last week, She want to include me in the intercessors list on the Sri Lanka trip. Oh Gosh...I told her, well..I can pray, but to intercede again? I'm jsut not sure. Anyway, yes...I've agreed to pray and uphold the whole team during their Sri Lanka trip. I guess the Lord is challenging me. Minister to Him before Man, and probably this is where I've lack. I wanna fall in love with Him again....But, ...oh Shirley, there's no "but"....just do it, fall in love with Him again, allow Him to touch you, to pamper you, to love you, receive that love- the love of the everlasting Father...even all may failed but His love Never fails, Never!

Wednesday...Pretty normal

24th May 2006,

5.22pm. Wednesday- pretty normal. Work is routine. Nothing exciting, dealing with sales and doctors, get a hang of it. Quite alright, ups and downs. Just have to be more focus on the changing in HOC- waiting for Management to give me new space for expansion.

Today not feeling well, got headache. Menses has been over yet not feeling good. Wonder why. Yeah, pharmacist also can get sick- then sick don't wanna take medicine. Tomorrow will be watching Da Vinci Code for the 2nd time. Not pretty like the show, too much of historical inputs, kinda confusing. Maybe this second time will able to understand more.

Oh dear headache, got to go- not much to write. Going off...write soon!

Singapore Trip

23th May 2006,

6.22pm Tues. 2 days back from Singapore. Basically the trip was really exciting and challenging. Working with Singaporean and getting to know their culture and environment, opens up my perspective. Singapore is a nice place to work- with it's systematic, fast pace and higher standrad environement.

I was attached to National Cencer Centre for a week. First day itself seem to be lonely, don't know much people, difficult to connect. Meet up with Olivia and Pentium, seen Pentium's wife. Got the news that Olivia is 4 months pregnant. Hmm...good to catch up. Life goes on, learning the system, learning the skill and technique. Getting to know what the Pharmacist in Sinpaore does. Very much motivating.

Did something brave- exploring Nite Safari on my own, shopping and venturing the area all by myself. Sometimes just feel, wah...am so tough- daring to explore lat night. Nothing much to share here- basically I'm not a person that love to travel and explore new things, I'm more the the homely type- but my job sometimes require me to travel for seminar. I don't mind travelling with frens but not alone. This trip has taught me to learn to enjoy the things I do alone. And probably yes, and I got to learn that. Sometimes, there are things that can be enjoyed doing alone, and there are some with frens.

At this season- I'm learning to handle loneliness. Yeah, Loneliness...I did shared with mum, sometimes, many times- there're this void, loneliness, just couldn't explain it. Never felt it before, it's more crucial at this season. Probably is the distance from God, distance from the fellowships...or it's normal, or is it normal natural thing that most people will surely go thru'...well, I really don't know. People said- Seek God, let God fills you, He complete the void and He satisfied. I understand that, I know...yet it isn't easy for me now. What should I do? How shoudl I positioning myself? Pray, just pray? Just pray..that's the only thing you can possibly do, wait on God, pray- open eye big big, and be yourself. Yeah...another: Delight yourself in the Lord for He will grant you the desire of your heart. That's the first thing to do, to delight in Him, to be satisfied in Him first, and seek Him first- then the rest be added...

Oh Lord, how far I've wander away from You- how far I've been running, and toasting and banging and falling, up and down. How long? How far? So many things Lord- I've gone off too far, can You still rescue me? Too many dirt, a filthy rags I am....how to delight in You Lord? Help me, rekindle that fire again.

Changi Airport...Going Back

20th May 2006,

It's Saturday 3pm, I'm at Changi Airport...has been a week in Singapore, what an experience. Wow, miss home, miss Malaysia. Singapore experience has been good, learn so much in NCC. Going a lot places- but all by myself, explore my own. Went to Nite Safari, coz everyone asked me to try..well, not bad, but...kinda dark, can't able to capture much picture there. They don't allow to snap with flash, but without flash picture can't be clear.

Experience in NCC is just priceless. I learned a lot on their system and workflow. They had 4 pharmcist, plus Lita will be 5's in Onco unit and another 4 more I guess is in Retail. The pharmacist there pretty busy, with a lot work...wow, I have a lot things in plan for my Onco Unit, hopefully I'll able to make use of what I learn and apply it and improve t in my setting...

Gee...got to get going, dun wanna miss flight. Talk soon. Will post many picture soon. Ta...

Love is in the Air..

9th May 2006,

6.10pm Tuesday evening. In the hospital- tomorrow Ms Tan on leave, I'll be bz. Nothing much to write in the blog. Another wedding just over- Jo's wedding, she's definately so blessed. Hmm...love is in the air, lovely lovely lovely. How is my love life progressing? Wondering- always like the wrong guy- it just doesn't work. One hand clapping don't make any sound. It just doesn't work- got to move on, just move on. Appreciate what is in front, treasure and enjoy the friendship around. Press on and not afraid to love again. Dance like no one is watching, and love as never get hurt.

Lonely but never alone. Take up the promises. Live up a purposeful life- enjoy the singleood. Trusting God will provide. Amen!

01-02-03-04-05-06

9th May 2006,

Wow, it's May. Time flies, indeed time flies. Recapturing back May 4th- I'm aging...Oh dear, I dislike thinking on my birthday approaching, yucks..I'm growing old :( sob sob. 01-02-03-04-05-06 is the countdown for me, but to be exact my birthday is 1.55am 4th of May 19xx...got to hide my birth-year hahaha....

I was on-leave that day. Went out morning 9am-7pm, first bought a newspaper- went to Mc-D, order my Mc-D breakfast and eat, and read...tadaaa...times up, 9.45am, cool..on my way to Prangin Mall. The shops still closed, and I'm just lepakking around the area, without plan, without focus, just loitering around. Then shops open- goodie goodie...shop shop, try this and that. Ooops, this is too tight, not good. Here, this is cool, I look gorgeous, spend spend spend. Then, reach eraing shop- yeah...:) I finally pierce my 2nd earlobe holes. Pain pain, but pretty pretty- looks wild. Cool. Then I went to Montage Hair Style at Pelita- hightlight hair, copper red, charge me RM125. Never ever spend that money on my hair...it's just a hair, why wanna spend so much? Wah...Shirley know how to pamper herself now. Looks cool, looks good.

That's my day. Spending, loitering, enjoying the exploration. Nite- Had dinner with the group- Roland, Marcus, Helena, Felix..my good buddy. Quite happy...

Nothing much also, a reflection of my 2x over years on the earth, how that I accomplished in this race that i run. Am I running well- the way I should be running, not beating the air, not in vain? Else the Christ death will be in vain- He paid the price for me, how should I live?

Home Alone

2th May 2006,

7.00pm Tuesday. Login for blogging. Just back from Fitness Studio. Doing threadmill and roller and cycling. Didn't really sweat. I think I sweat more in Hilton than this one. But it's okiela, Harvey accompany me there- he's thnking of joining, and asked me to join. But fees too high, RM120 a month, and to commit for 6 mths, I don't think I can afford. Even if I can afford, I don't think I will want to spend such money on gym, where exercise can actually do it naturally- hike or jog around, or swim. Sunnyville swimming pool only go once a while, not even once a month. Hmm...better not involve this, even tho' sort of tempting, when frens asked- to join and tone the muscle. Hmm...dunno lah. Getting fatter and fatter it seems, quite lazy and stale. Must find something challenging to do, or else will become piglet, stay home and eat and linger around- very not effective.

Mum has been away for few days, since last week, she'll be away for 10days, so 10 days I'll be home alone, sleeping in the queen size bed, cook on own, alone. Too used to mum being around me, don't seem to feel lonely without a partner, now...can sense the difference with her absence. Yeah...miss mum.

7.15pm, still in hospital- will go off after this blog. Go back not sure wht to eat, maybe will cook for myself spaghetti, yucks...that reminds me of the stories of the Pr. sermon. Pasta- wow, very rich. After workout eat again- how to loose weight? Hangat hangat tahi ayam only...aduh Shirley. Looking at the mirror, the reflection of Shirley- hmm....fatty fatty boom boom. Aduh, how how how- how to kill that fats? :( sucks. Got to increase my metabolism. Keep going Shirley, you can do it.

Home alone. Mum in Johor with sis, went to Singapore last 2 days. This moring conversation seems very interesting. Sister likes to travel- bringing mum around- Sentosa Island, Orchard Road, etc...wow, I not ven been to Singapore. Will be going out of Malaysia for the first time this coming 14th. Ohh....a bit scary tho' all alone, not so adventurous. Shirley Shirley- as if kampung girl masuk city only...aduh!...Hmm...hope things be good. Hmm, alright la, time's up. Going off now. Blessed day!

Covenantal Conspiracy

24th April 2006,

5.59pm Monday, after work, waiting for Procare to starting printing report, system too slow. Wonder the report printing will reduce the speed of the system. Gonna change system soon- can't wait, excited yet quite fearful- surely a lot of unexpected problems. Got to be ready for that. Today is okie, had dinner with Harvey- he belanja me eat Japanese food- more than a hundred ringgit bills. Sweet talker, I'm playing a fool with him, he challenge to pay registration for Fitness First Centre if I can consistently doing exercise there- can't believe what he said- cakap kosong- pretty unfruitful.

Charmine back from her long holidays, don't have the time to talk to her- she gonna resign soon, her last day will be 28th June, not sure how she's feeling. Magdalene should be doing well. Hope so, am always concious of how I have been as a boss to them- whether am doing well, or wht's the expectation of others on me. Yeah, talking about expectation- just a few days ago, a ffiend of mine just giving me some remarks on how I hv put high expectation on others. I admit that I do, and I learn from it, see through ones strength and not the weaknesses. Do to others how others do to you, am I wanting others to put expectation on me? If not, I should not have expect others.

Saturday service was great. Pr message was so strong- about the Covenantal Conspiracy, taken from Amos 8:11-14

11 "The days are coming," declares the Sovereign LORD, "when I will send a famine through the land—not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the LORD.
12 Men will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the LORD, but they will not find it.
13 "In that day "the lovely young women and strong young men will faint because of thirst.
14 They who swear by the shame [b] of Samaria, or say, 'As surely as your god lives, O Dan,' or, 'As surely as the god [c] of Beersheba lives'— they will fall, never to rise again."

It struck my heart. We have been taking the Word of God so lightly, the love letter of God so lightly- Pr Sam described how's a life of a Bible if it's written in a diary- saddening. How have we wondered from loving His Word? How have we allowing the world to enter in the church? How how have we response in religious hypocrisy in attending church and in serving? Will it come a time- the Lord will take away His Word from us? Not a famine of food or thirst of water, but a famine of the hearing of the Word of God. Will there be a time, when we search for His Word, His saying, and found none? Yes- It's written in the book of Amos. Now that we have His Word, do we wanna wait till it come a time where we seek and can't find His Words- and die of thrist? Spiritual thirst?

Oh Abba Father, forgive me if I've not been loving Your Words, and living out Your Words the way it should. Forgive me for the disobedience of Your commandment, and the deceived of my heart, forgive me for the heart of stone, rejecting Your Words when it's there- available to dispense. Forgive me for the hardenning and critical mindset, rejecting what is good. Help me Lord, Help me to know You are near. Help me to draw nearer to Your Words daily, and Living it out. Not just a hearer Father, but doers of Your Words, able to stand in obedience. Lord....please don't take Your Words away, please don't cause the famine of Your Words, I will never able to bear it, in the time You take it away. Let Your sweet Words be a live to my soul. Where can we go from Your presence Lord, for You hold the Word of eternal life. You are the only One that hold the Word of eternal life, and I thirst for Your Words Lord,,Now..I thirst for You to speak in me Father....Lord, I commit this life to You- help me to grow in love with You again- renew my heart, a heart of flesh and not a heart of stone. Amen!

I'm held by Your Love, I'm held by Your strength

19th April 2006,

5.36pm- Wednesday evening, in the office. Has been a while didn't write blog, since PH till now. Work has been usual, Charmine and Toh still on-leave. Just had Department Meeting, still insufficient staff. Nothing much about work, had lunch with Lem (Merck), and Serene. Waiting to go Singapore another few weeks time, haven't make passport. Got to make time do to it, or else my HR will kill me:P

Yesterday went for MLM, Million Leaders Mandate, a course conducted for all leaders. Our church has been good- always wanting to equip and develop the leaders. Ps. Sam is a visionary man, planning and strategising for future expansion. The traning was conducted by Un. Daniel, with his hoarse voice he still able to pull through delivering the message. The topic on Leader's Heart. Interesting. During discussion time I'm sort of award, when people sharing about what is the excuses on not in the leadership, etc. I just don't know how to share. Stepping down in leadership..yeah, Eric must really have hard time bearing with me. Now I've not been actively involving in Cell, just a normal attender, and in search of new cell. Many asked me, which cell I'm going to join? I've no idea, don't know how to answer them. Marcus approached me asked me to consider joining them, to help in mentoring the members, more of support. I appreciate that he still remember the Shirley before...but, well..I don't think A2J or Zion will be in my shopping list, well, dunno maybe will, maybe not, but most probably not. The fellowship is great, I'm quite attached and close with the members, yet something within me is yeilding for more, more than a fellowship- I want more than a fellowship, that's wht I know....wht is that? If not fellowship- which other cell can offer? What did you want, Shirley? I'm asking myself. I really don't know- Words, Works, something that can bang in my Spirit that I can be passionate again? Seriousness? ...does it means Desa-U and A2J or Zion not serious? How serious you want? I'm asking myself. I want to some different environment to grow, to grow again. Attaching back to any of the groups will never let me grow..that's wht I think....

I was just like a free bird now, flying and wandering around- soaring up and down, a lonely tiny little bird, searching for more. But I know He has something for me, I'm assured of that- that I'm held by His Love, I'm held by His strength...Pray with me, those who read my blog- that I will able to find a place, to serve with joy, to minister to Him and to people, and to grow in Him in Grace....

After MLM, had supper with Roland and Yueh Nee, we discussed about relationship again- I was saying to them- yeah, am waiting for God to drop one from the sky, God willing. Exploring the possibilities- Roland suggested a few from EPCC, hmmm.....seems hopeless, yet I have the "living" hope in Him, Amen for that! :PP

Resting PH: Happening and Relaxing

12th April 2006,

6.14pm Wed evening. Still in the office- waiting for Lisa to call to confirm on tonites' dinner venue. Just now management meeting, heard that Mr. Koh's wife met accident, so he went off early- therefore Ivan conduct the meeting. Not much of discussion going on. Matron Teoh, Matron Lim and Dr. George bombarded me to help Casualty on drug dispensing- trying to pressure Pharmacy to open longer hours. Am quiet, don't know how to stand for the department- Thank God Ivan sided me- give a neutral opinion, to think out of box and see things in bigger picture- to evaluate the data, on the cost effectiveness. Pharmacy Department wrking well I guess. Toh brought up an issue on putting more staff during Sunday, is there a need- when they can't furnish me with data? Has been hearing the staff grumbling of stress and high work load. But how about the low time when people are chatting away? Lord- grant me Your wisdom in this matter- hw to resolve this. I plan to do a spot-check this Sunday- will miss the Easter celebration- will attend Saturday service, and Sunday plan to go hospital, see how busy we are.

Yesterday is a PH. Mum joined my friends for Youth Park Hike. Surprisingly, she's so fit, can climb and reach the destination faster than us. She enjoyed herself, yeah... The rest of the group climbed up to Pg Hill, but we did not join. We only reach No-3# and later on hike down to hv breakfast opposite Ping Hwa High school, then later to bank to deposit my cheque, then head back home. Reached home collapsed on the coach, fall asleep in the midst of watching Da Vinci Code by RBC. So tired, wake up have lunch- then bath and continue Da VinciCode- Fact or Fiction. Later on do some paper work on documents for Income Tax, then time's up to fetch Lisa from airport.

7.50pm Airport. Meet up with Lisa- we had dinner at Hakka Mee Stall. Had quite a long chat. To my surprise, Lisa been so opened to me, she shared a lot on her past relationship, on the requirement topray for a life partner. I was so surprise how she can share this personal issue with me even tho' we're quite newly meet. The first question she asked during the dinner: "So..have you meet your Adam?". Oh dear...I was kinda uncomfortable discussion on relationship issue, yet she brought up this personal question. She said that on her way to Penang, she just feel that she wanna share on relationship. I'm not sure- whether is it God sending her to tell me something? Yes, I do praying for a life partner, but am not earnestly pray. Lisa said, you got to earnestly pray and list down your critera to God, so that when the right person come along the way, then God will help you to be sensitive to receive it. I disagree. I have my set of criteria, but to list it down specifically one by one to God- I don't think it's necessary. It's like limiting God and positioning myself in desperate moment. Well, I wonder through am I desperate? What is the level of my desperation? I listen to the DVD by Ps Prince from Singapore about finding right partner- that desperation will bring us to settle for any. Oh No! I don't want to come to the situation which I'm settling for anyone- Tom Dick and Harry, No Lord- He knows my heart. Some of the sharing do ring some truth, in positioning to receive the "Right'" one when it comes, yet the issue of "Right" one..I'm not pretty agree. I don't believe in one and only right one, and when I miss it means I'll get the second best. I believe of God have our best interest at heart, and He will wants to give the best- as compatible to us, when it seems fit- only if we incline to Him. Incline and yeilding to Him, yet be discern and sensitive of His leading and understanding our own self. I don't know- I've been praying, but am I earnestly pray? What's the meaning- earnestly? How earnestly? Everyday bangging on heaven's door and ask God to give me a life partner? No- course not, pray for God to work on the person- in passion and purity, in His right time, we will meet. And let His peace guard my heart- with assurance of His love and promises. I believe God knows best my heart, and I don't think to list down every single details from A-Zs is a good idea- I'm not limiting God, I'm trusting Him, my Abba Father. Sometimes it's not easy, pressure do comes, yet got to surrender the heart. My prayer is Lord, guard my heart- for it's the well spring of life. Let me not simply give my heart to anyone, not anyone- close it tight, and surrender to You, and You will open my heart when it's the right time, to the right person...Right person? Hmm...you know best, I know best, somehow we will know.

After dinner- Lisa joined my frens Bday party at Hidden Cafe- wow, such long table, I think got about 20 over people. I introduce Lisa to Roland, and Marcus sitting beside me, and others. It's Helena's birthday- Felix was around too, but has not been talking to him for long. Am feeling a bit uncomfortable. Has been staying aloof nowadays. Lisa can really talk, she shared a lot spiritual insight with me. We left the place earlier- fetching her back Vistana. She's very happy- keep on thanking me for the hospitality. Well, know a new friend.